Oh Please, get over yourself!

Just a few questions here.
Firstly.... Why do we make sport stars heroes? And why do we put them on some pedestal and expect them to be morally superior, when actually, we KNOW that more often than not, they are a bunch of lusty, immoral tramps?

Why do we expect of them to be "better" than us? Or behave better than us?

Lets talk Joost van der Westhuizen, ex-springbok.
Pretty boy.

A few months ago, a very badly made home video of him surfaced with him snorting something and having sex with some woman (Lets not call her a slut. We don't know her that well :) other than his devoted wife Amor. Yes, he is married and a father of two young children.

When this video came to light and gave millions of South Africans a lot of laughs and gasps, he denied in true Bill Clinton style that it was actually him in that video. He SWORE it was not him. He got a private investigator.

In the meantime, he got fired from his job as a sports presenter and his marriage got shaky.

Now... here comes the really great part....
In yesterday's Sunday paper, he all of a sudden feels horrible that he lied to the nation (surprise, surprise, it actually WAS him in the video!!!!!) and cheated on his wife and did drugs.

But wait, there is more. Here comes the REALLY good part....
Since all of this happened, he has already written a book about it, and it will be available to the public very shorty.

So,apart from lying to the nation, cheating on his wife, lying to HER as well, doing drugs and calling the lady he had sex with a liar, he has written a book about this and I bet you, he is going to make a bucket from that.

Poor Joost.... Because all of a sudden he could not live with the thought that he lied to everyone.

Oh fuck me George. And Jimmy. And the whole bloody rugby team.....

I even heard somebody say..... "Poor Joost".

He lied.
He cheated.
He took drugs.
He lied some more.

He deserves everything coming his way. If his wife leaves him? Good for her!
And for those who say "poor Joost?"
Go buy his despicable book and make him rich.

If he was honest from the start and admitted what he did, he might have kept my respect.
But he lied about this for a year.
Strange... now all of a sudden after the confession his book is ready and published?

What an asshole.
But, also, serves us right for making people like him into heroes and expect them to actually BE great. Just because he could kick a ball......
We are every bit as pathetic as him.

Just saying....

Hmmmmmmmmmmmm..... OK

How many holidays could you possibly cancel in one year?



Well, when you are Hilana, I think about 5 cuts it.



Some were cancelled because of brain dead, pathetic, idiotic dickheads. Others.....? Well, those I cancelled all by myself.



And they all cost money. Some of them, other people paid for, some of them, I did. All in all, it's money lost.






The last one I cancelled was fairly recent. But I knew I had to.



So, I put in leave at work at the last moment, and from Monday, I am at home.



For the next 5 weeks.



Alone.



And , it's not half bad.






Strange year it's been, this 2009. I still remember how I looked forward to this year when I wrote my "Happy New Year" message the end of last year.






But a lot of good things happened as well!



I made lovely new friends, I got rid of some baggage, I made some great choices ( yes, they weren't all bad! :), and I got rid of a psychotic ex- boyfriend too.



See?



Not all bad! :):):)






So, here I am.



Doing what I have to do and living my life the best I can.






Right now, that is all I can, and want to do.






Life is good, yes?






Yes. It is.

What if.....

.... You knew that you were going to die at 57, I asked.
What would you have done differently?

I would have loved more. He said
I would have LIVED more.
I would have worried less about the small things and laughed more.

I would have loved my wife more.
I would have made love to her more.
I would have stayed in bed longer on cold days, and gotten up earlier on warm sunshiny days.

I would have gotten angry less.
I would have kept less grudges.
I would have smiled more.

I would have been more grateful for the life I had. I would have lived for the moment, not in the future as I did.
I would have looked forward to each day instead of just the weekends.
I would have praised more and criticized less.

I would have appreciated life.

But I did not know that I was going to die at 57.
But I am telling you all of this now.... Live your life. Live without regret and with passion.
Just live, Hilana.
Life is so precious.

Rest in peace, dear Jan. You were just taken too soon. I wish I knew.

To My Son (the other one)

Hi Sweetie,

I have been thinking about you a lot lately, you know?
Maybe because I know the years are going by so fast and I know that we could meet soon, you and I. It feels as if you were born just yesterday, and yet, in a bit more than a month, you will be sixteen already.

I often wonder what you are like, you know.
Do you play a lot of sport? Do you like maths, rugby, cars.....
What kind of music do you like?
Are you a loner, or are you a wildly social young man?
Are you as sweet and kind as Ruben?

What do you look like now....
Those big brown eyes.... are they broody or friendly?
That dimple in your left cheek.... does it show often because you laugh a lot, or does it rarely make an appearance?

Do you think about me, Armand? And if you do, what do you think?
Who do you think I am?
WHAT do you think I am?
Will we even like each other?

I am sure you have a million questions to ask me, and I am willing to answer each and every one of them.

I loved your father a lot. God, did I love him. In fact, he was probably the love of my life to be honest. Not before, or after him have a loved a person that much.
Was he worth it?
Love is a strange thing, I guess. And the more questions you ask, the fewer answers you will get.

I told Ruben about you about two months ago, Sweets. I had no choice actually. He asked.
I have been dreading that conversation for the past 16 years, and yet, it was so easy.
I answered all his questions as honestly and openly as I could. He nodded his head, and asked some more.

I thought I would cry, but I did not.
Ruben is immensely happy to know that he has a brother that he might get to meet some day, you know.
When I told him the whole thing, he took my hand and said: "It must have been really hard for you to give him up."
No blame. No nothing.
If you are anything like him, your parents are so blessed to have you.

We don't talk much about you in my family. I think it's simply too painful for my parents to know they have another grandson and they don't know you.

My friends, however, are more open. Those who know about you, of course.
People, Babes, could be so cruel, that is why I did not tell everybody about you.
But since I told Ruben, I feel that I could talk about you now.

Never a day passes that I don't think about you. All I have ever wanted for you, was to be a happy, well adjusted and truly loved boy.
I hope, and pray that you are.

I love you.
And I can tell you, from the bottom of my heart, that there are SO many people who would love to meet you some day.
When you are ready.
And when you are, I will be there. I promise.

Love
~Me

Die Ongestemde Klavier

Hy het my gespeel.

Soos ‘n ongestemde klavier.

Die melodie soet, die vertolking passievol.



Sy vingers het oor die klawers gevlieg. Vol selfvertroue en vaard.

Die vertolking: MEESTERLIK.



Maar die frons tussen sy blonde wenkbroue het ‘n ander storie vertel. Die resultaat was onbevredigend.



Die meesterlike vertoning… Die melodie wat hy so goed ken en soveel kere foutloos aan sy kritiese gehoor gelewer het, was deurtrek met vals note. 'n Skeefgetrekte, onvolmaakte kakofonie.



Effens verward het hy sy hande van die ivoor klawers af gelig en weifelend in sy skoot gevou.

Die oorverdowende applous waaraan hy so gewoond is – so verslaaf is, is vervang met ‘n onbekende, versmorende stilte.

Die skande. Die skade!



“Dis nie my skuld nie!” wil hy aan sy gehoor skree.

“Dis die klavier! Dis vals!”



Inderdaad, Meester. Hierdie klavier is ongestem.

‘n Ongestemde klavier lewer ‘n onbevredigende vertoning.



Die goeie nuus is, ek kan deur ‘n fyn oor en geduldige hande ingestem word en die soet klanke lewer wat jy so as vanselfsprekend aanvaar.

Jy kan ‘n ander uitvoering hou, op dieselfde klavier en jou applous kry waarna jy so smag.



Maar vir eers is jou reputasie daarmee heen. Jou arrogansie het jou laat faal. Jy het jouself gekortwiek.



As jy onthou het om jouself eers bekend te maak met jou instrument…. Om eers jou vingers liefdevol oor die klawers te trek en te luister, sou jy besef het die klavier moet gestem word.

Jou vertoning sou foutloos wees. Soos gewoonlik.



Ek kry jou amper jammer toe jou bree skouers verslae agter die purper gordyn inskuif.



Duur les, ne?

Duur les inderdaad….

~Value Yourself~

Two years ago, I opened up this blog all bushy tailed and starry eyed.

Being the computer illiterate that I am, I asked an ex to do it for me.

It’s actually very easy, mind you. Nothing to it. Two years ago, however, I did not know this.



Anyways.

The reason I wanted this blog, was to write nice things for nice people and maybe, just maybe ,manage to inspire somebody along the way.

I had this picture featuring here today, taken by my son to act as the theme for my blog. I love this picture, by the way.

Value yourself. The heading of my blog back then was “Zithande”. The Zulu for Value yourself.



Fast forward two years. Things have changed. I have changed. I am complex, a bit strange and sometimes full of p!ss and vinegar. Terrible relationship material. Baggage, hang-ups, the works. The few who manage to look past all of that, get rewarded with as much love and loyalty as I possibly could give. I am not an easy person to have around always, and I don’t care being around people all the time either. I happily spend lots of time on my own because that is what makes me happy. Having a relationship would mess up the peace in my world, and I cannot have that.

Living in such close proximity with another human being would also mean that I have to work on some of my hang-ups. I find that too draining and I am used enough to them to be able to live with them. They don’t scare me anymore. :)



I still very much believe in the “Value Yourself” motto, don’t get me wrong.

But I also used to post things on here that were merely nice. I was not being honest. Because, by doing that, I only showed a part of who I am.

And my “nice” side, is not necessarily always my best side.



I don’t know, and don’t really care how many people read my blog. I don’t aim to inspire. If I do say something that touches you, it’s because I write honestly about the way I see things or how I feel.

I have very little time for all those over paid, over exposed motivational speakers. You sure as hell don’t need another syrupy pep talk when you do drop in here to visit, do you?

That you could get from the Oprah’s and the Tony Robbins’ and who knows who else. Sure they have their place in this world, and they do change lives, but they often make me laugh out loud. Good actors those people.



I sometimes write to amuse. Sometimes to shock. Other times, just to inform. I don’t have a plan, really. Just a place to say whatever I feel like sharing.



We should value ourselves. And I sincerely hope you do, because that is such an important thing to have. Self Value.

I also hope you value yourself enough, to realize that life is about living, not impressing people.

Life is about loving and sharing and believing.

It’s also about being honest with yourself and knowing that there are many sides to all of us. Good, bad, funny, smart, serious, frivolous. I could carry on, but you get the picture.



Embrace all of those facets. Because they are what makes you both human and vulnerable.

Don’t set your limitations too low. We are ALWAYS more capable than we think we are. Jumping off the roof with an umbrella ala Mary Poppins would be stupid, of course. But you know that.

When I mean don’t set your limitations too low, I simply think that we should believe in ourselves more. Have more faith in who and what you are. Dream bigger. Smile broader. Love more.



The tone of my blog might have changed, but the message would always be the same.

Value yourself.



Because like Sarah Jessica Parker says in the L’Oreal advert…… “You are Worth it~”.

Just Smell Da Hand~

One day, a couple of years ago, as we were watching television, without prior warning, a friend of mine put her hand down her jeans, dragged it through her pussy ( Vagina sounds so clinical, so if you don't mind, I will just say pussy)and shoved it under my nose.

"Smell" she said.

"Smells fine to me", I said. "Depending on what you are aiming for."

"Meaning?" she said.

"Well", I said, "If you are aiming for the Josephine waiting for Napoleon to come back from the battle field smell, you might consider letting is simmer for a couple of days more. It's not quite ripe enough yet. If, however, you just want to smell clean enough to go down to the pub and put on lipstick without needing to take a shower, then you are fine. So, what is is then?"

"Actually, it's neither. I just wanted to test your reaction."

"How did I do?"

"I expected you to be more shocked. Not nearly as much fun as I hoped it would be."

The fact is, of course I was much more shocked than I led on to be. I guess if you are reading this, you might be too.

If you are a guy, you might be laughing.
If you are girl, you might be gasping. Or the other way around. :)

What I am trying to get across here is this: Sometimes, you just have to smell the hand and look all nonchalant. Even if what happened to you IS a big deal. Even if you were shocked or appalled. Just smell the hand and act as if there was nothing to it.

You might be the one having the last laugh, or differently put, come up smelling fresh as a daisy.